My beloved wife and best friend has been suggesting that I receive counselling to "help our marriage".

I agree that some therapy is needed, but in my opinion, it is HER that needs the help. My head is screwed on straight. SHE has the problem dealing with my latent transsexuality, not me. I must admit that I have not been a complete husband to her, what with my extended absences from home and cranky attitude when I am home, not to mention that my impotence has been frustrating to her and may even be seen as a lack of desire. For my part, I could do with some coping strategies to help me deal with my frustration. But does my lack of sexual interest indicate a lack of love or desire?

It is not so, I love her deeply and wish that the Thing would perform like it did twenty years ago so I could pleasure her as she wishes. As a man, the man she wants me to be and I wish I were but I know I'm not.

Ever since being tenatively diagnosed with Graves' Disease on top of Crohn's Disease, I think the door to transition that I left open in 1998 may have closed on it's own. I will ask my doctor when I see him next, but I strongly suspect that hormones are out of the question forever.

It is technically possible to do a surgical transition without the HRT, but it will be more difficult and I will always be more of a feminized eunuch rather than a woman without the mental and emotional changes that I would have gotten from the hormones. Not to mention the diagnostic component of HRT.

Frustrating, frustrating. Here I am, trapped in a male body that I know is wrong, am powerless to change, and am increasingly unable to function in the male role that I have taken on to make the most important person in the world to me happy.

Somewhere, there lies the answer, but it continues to elude me.