New Year's Resolutions

These are my New Year's Resolutions. I usually don't do any because I never stick to any, but this year things will be different!

1) Get a better job.

I need this so I can afford to continue my transition.

2) Stop smoking!

This I need for general health reasons. Also, it will keep me from going on hormones or having surgery. All in all, my worst vice and the one I most want to change!

3) Replace my male wardrobe with a female one.

I need to do this to further my transition. I cannot go 24/7 if I have literally nothing to wear!
Plus, it will be liberating when I finally take my male clothes to Goodwill.

4) Maintain a healthy weight

My doctor is helping me on this. I have a tough time keeping my weight where it needs to be due to several health complications interfering with my digestion of food. I am coming under control now with meds and intend to keep it this way.

5) Get a good gender therapist to help me with my transition

And help me over any rough spots. And help me keep my marriage intact. And write the letters that will enable me to keep #6, plus surgery in the future.

6) Get myself on hormones

I need this to get my transition on track and establish a timeline for the rest. I need to make my insides match my outsides. HRT will feminize my body, get rid of all this icky hair forever, make redundant my breastforms, shrink the chemical factory and get rid of the testosterone that is slowly but surely poisoning me.

I think that is ambitious enough for one year. If I can keep them all, I will be well on my way to the new me!

Comments are, as always, welcome!

Love

Pamela

Merry Christmas!

Just a quick note to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

We talked

I spoke with the therapist recently.

She was having problems with her phone so we had to resort to an IM conversation which somewhat hampered communication but things went as well as could be expected. She now has a feel for me and my needs, my desires and our relationship. My wife is coming around nicely and is actually having some fun with transforming me! It is the best thing that could happen to a nice gurl like me!

She bought me a dress that, while being designed for someone with a bust (I don't yet) still looks nice. I'll have to wear forms until I grow my breasts. She also noted that the body hair HAS to go and she's right, that's the next step on my list. My new hair will feel much better once it doesn't tickle all that carpeting.

I feel better about myself and my relationship seems much more secure now that she knows that I truly love her and have no intention of leaving her without being bodily thrown away! I think that was her biggest insecurity; that I don't love her anymore and would prefer to live with someone else. No way! I love her even more now and feel secure that she is accepting me and is going to take the journey with me. I will be needing her more than ever soon and she will be there! I am happy! And so is she, which is all good.

Things are looking up!

Second therapist talk

My beloved has had her second talk with her therapist. I am cautiously optimistic that she may come around and accept me someday. It seems, however, that some childhood issues with her and her mother are surfacing and interfering with her thought processes. These she will have to work out on her own.

She has been hinting that I should dress more at home, just not TOO much. After all, someone might see me. Panties are all right as is some sleepwear. But no skirts or makeup or wigs or breastforms. We have a ways to go, it seems.

Perhaps a change of scenery is called for. Should we move, no one in her family will be able to see and perhaps she will be more willing to accept me in female clothing. I don't know for sure.

As for me, my medical condition seems to have improved but I doubt enough to be called stable or "under control" enough to permit hormone administration anytime soon. I will be seeing my doctor next week and I will try to pin him down to some kind of answer on when this stable period might be. I need to be able to be reasonably sure that I will be stable for the three years that HRT will take without interruption. If that means removal of my thyroid and it's possible, then so be it.

THere may be some wiggle room in the SOC for people with medical issues to alter the usual sequence of events in a transition. I'm thinking that orchiectomy at first might be an option worth considering with my doctor. That would remove the need for anti-androgen therapy and allow much lower doses of estrogen, which in turn will reduce the impact on my thyroid. Time will tell.

Anyway, it's too early to call it regarding therapy for her. And I have yet to even start. So I'm jumping the gun here. But I want to begin therapy as soon as we get me into a better-paying job so I can afford my transition. I have several possibilities in mind, any one of which would be enough and leave me happier on the whole than the last job, which was beating me down.

I am planning a mostly stealth transition on the job due to the possibility of my being killed by some redneck with personal masculinity insecurity. That would not be good for me in the long run.

In the meantime, my wife isn't really interested in assisting me in selecting new clothes or anything else. She is willing to measure me and shop online but I really need to try things on to see how they fit and hang before buying online. It is also possible that my clothes will have to be altered professionally to fit my larger-than-usual frame. Some won't, of course but I don't know which until I've tried things on and found styles, colors and sizes that look good on me.

I need a mentor and there are none available! Sure there are personal consultants who specialize in this area, but who has the money to pay them? Maybe if I win the lottery but I doubt THAT is in my future. I've resorted to asking online friends to help via email, THAT'S how desperate I've become!

Sigh!

More to come...

My beloved wife and best friend has been suggesting that I receive counselling to "help our marriage".

I agree that some therapy is needed, but in my opinion, it is HER that needs the help. My head is screwed on straight. SHE has the problem dealing with my latent transsexuality, not me. I must admit that I have not been a complete husband to her, what with my extended absences from home and cranky attitude when I am home, not to mention that my impotence has been frustrating to her and may even be seen as a lack of desire. For my part, I could do with some coping strategies to help me deal with my frustration. But does my lack of sexual interest indicate a lack of love or desire?

It is not so, I love her deeply and wish that the Thing would perform like it did twenty years ago so I could pleasure her as she wishes. As a man, the man she wants me to be and I wish I were but I know I'm not.

Ever since being tenatively diagnosed with Graves' Disease on top of Crohn's Disease, I think the door to transition that I left open in 1998 may have closed on it's own. I will ask my doctor when I see him next, but I strongly suspect that hormones are out of the question forever.

It is technically possible to do a surgical transition without the HRT, but it will be more difficult and I will always be more of a feminized eunuch rather than a woman without the mental and emotional changes that I would have gotten from the hormones. Not to mention the diagnostic component of HRT.

Frustrating, frustrating. Here I am, trapped in a male body that I know is wrong, am powerless to change, and am increasingly unable to function in the male role that I have taken on to make the most important person in the world to me happy.

Somewhere, there lies the answer, but it continues to elude me.

A new direction

From here on out, I am changing the direction of my blog.

No sissy anymore. No playacting.

I was diagnosed transsexual in June of 1999, after a near-suicide. My life was turned upside-down and set straight at the same time. I was given two choices at that time. One, I could begin hormone treatments, and start my transition into womanhood. Two: I could stay as I was, try to deny what I was and likely have to deal with further psychological problems later on.

I thought it through and decided NOT to transition at that time. The door to transition would always be open should I change my mind at a later date. But if I chose door number one, the door would close on manhood. Forever.

Since then, I have gotten my head screwed on rightly. I no longer want to die. Events in my life since then support this.

But recently, I have gotten news that the door may have closed due to medical complications. Now what?

That's where I'm starting. And where I'm going from here.

not posting for a while

I am busy with work and a new puppy.

I will be back soon though!